you stand so close to me you can probably hear me take every breath. how i wonder am i still alive, when even though you are so close to me, i feel dead and neglected

Esra's empathy Couch

It's that time of the year again.I am sitting on the couch, trendy jeans and a comfortable yet smart blazer wrapped around my shoulders and wobbly arm fat (Rabbit made me conscious of it, AGAIN, too early this morning). Camera's are on; left profile, Right profile and frontal.

And we are on in 5,4,3, (2,1) ---->"Good morning, and welcome back to another episode of Esra's empathy couch. Today we would like to talk about mistakes and other things that have happened in your relationship.

I have been through 3 major relationships in 6 year. There have been so many good times. But I can't seem to remember them. When I look back on the last 6 years of my life, I remember crying at 4 a.m., or chatting on msn to strangers who told me to stay away from my bf. I can recall the night we danced at the club, the drama and emotions and when our ways parted.

If you have something you want to talk about, or a message to send to a dear one, or just anything you want to get off your chest, call in-oh wait looks like we have our first caller of the day.

And a very good morning to you, caller 1. What is your name?

Mr K...."

Mr K turned to me for advice.We talked for 151 minutes. Across continents.

He wasn't my first guest of the week though. I also had a confrontational discussion with a young lady in Delhi.A person who does not discuss but seeks to think over her situations in life-and sometimes she even thinks aloud. Which gave me an opportunity to do what comes naturally to me-empathise.

Following two segments on the couch, I received a surprise call-in this morning. Mr B and I had a few encounters prior to this one. But they all seemed meaningless. Today he called to really talk to me.

I do think that I have a sign on my forehead which reads: 'We Don't have to talk', which in my understanding raises curiosity and gets people talking more than: 'You can TALK TO ME'.

Get it?

So basically in all this confusion in my head, I just want to say: Welcome to Esra's empathy couch. We don't have to talk. we can do whatever you like. But we should do it together.

It really works.

I spare a thought for you once again....

I have always known the reason for my sleepless nights.

Even in a world when snakes are my friends, who bite for fun, and the unreal chase me around red-flowered gardens

And

Michael Phelps teaches me how to fly,

I am awake.

The piping hot water does not scorch my skin, it makes it red, and goes away.

My breakfast leaves me hungry, everyday and again and again and again.

And when I work, I work for you. I look at my phone and want to call you. And I do.

The days, weeks, months go by

And a year.

I still think of you. Every day. Every minute. Every second.

You keep me awake. And alive.

I don't see your face anymore. But with every though I feel you breathing right next to me.

And just the thought keeps me awake. And alive-but for how long.......

I loved you once-Pushkin

I loved you once: perhaps that love has yet

To die down thoroughly within my soul;
But let it not dismay you any longer;
I have no wish to cause you any sorrow.
I loved you wordlessly, without a hope,
By shyness tortured, or by jealousy.
I loved you with such tenderness and candor
And pray God grants you to be loved that way again.

Mumbai

'i realised that since I have come to Mumbai i havn't blogged AT ALL!!!!!! and that, my dear friends, is rather pathetic (or as the kids nowadays say-'pretty sad)

so far this experience has presented me with the cocktail of Life.

I arrived here on the 27th of November, 2009. Got to the airport, where my mother's uncle's driver (whose name i just can't remember or pronounce) was awaiting my arrival. I sighed my way out of immigration...'

Right, it's the 3rd of December, 2010- just over a year after my arrival in Mumbai. it's crazy that I am blogging NOW! and trying to give a little update on what's happened so far.

So here goes:

November, 2009: ARRIVAL In India's 'Safest city for girls'.

December, '09: Shoot starts, for Nikhil Advani's 'Patiala House'. I meet Niharika Jolly-it's been years.

January, 2010: Still shooting. I live in a flat in Lokhandwala (dear friends of our from Germany leased it to me). The Aram hearts Esra saga is over. I was heartbroken. Still am :(

February, '10: Mom visits. I move to Twixa Khala's flat in Khar-good times!

March: Prep for London schedule of P.H.

April: Prepping, Crepe Station, weight =+8 kg!!!!!! OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May: Home for medical :)

May: London to help production prep for the tight and overloaded PH London schedule. It's REALLY REALLY COLD! Kaashvi and I freeze our behinds off in the office :(

June: Shoot! It's still REALLY REALLY COLD HERE!

July:Shoot! Mainly cricket stuff. It was chilled. Mom & Bro& Rikhil come to visit us in Nottingham. GREAT TIMES!

End July, '10: I Ran home after the PH schedule. 3 weeks of holiday. and it was awesome weather! I miss Mumbai, though+Theobramas+Sabby+Janta+Hill Road randomness

August, '10: Back to Mumbai. Just started with 'Agent Vinod'. Birthday Celebrations with weird 'handkie man' (that's a story to tell the grandkids!)

September, '10: RIGA! it was REALLY, REALLY COLD HERE, too. But we had a good time.

October, '10: Back to Mumbai. Prep tbd, but nothing is getting done.

November, '10: Chilling the time away. Yoga+ aerobics starts. I lose weight. But i spent the last weekend at The Big Chill- and we all know how healthy that scrumptious squidgy cake is :)

December, '10: We just got rolling.......

(Awaiting picture update......)

a thought

i miss you

and sleep don't come easy, no it don't.

i think about you all the time

and the day don't pass quickly, no it don't.

i wish i had a box

to keep these thoughts away

the path is dark,

and your light has faded

no light to light the way