why are there guidlines to living?

so its saturday night, im at home as always, watching that 70s show and Fez is playing a pervy game with a GI Joe and two Barbie's. Kitty walks in and right back out-and pretends she did not see him.
So my question to you is: Why is not ok for a grown person, especially a man, to play with 'dolls' but when you are kids anything goes-AND it's even ok, when as a parent you play dolls with your daughter, but God forbid you EVER let your son touch a Barbie unless he has intentions of destroying her face.

i want to write a book. ive always wanted to.but i dont want to write it alone and i want it to be fictional, funny, scary and weird- and it should revolve around the top of the food chain-im not talking about man but something fictional thats higher than man.im writing this here, because i want copyright to this idea. and once its penned down noone can steal my idea. anyone want to help me write this book?

You know You're going crazy when...

Can you fill in the blank there?

I would not be able to tell at which point I would declare myself crazy.
But i can assure you that talking to yourself, does not make you crazy. I talk to myself when i have a stroke of genius.I just had one. Now all I have to do is keep myself sane, not hyperventilate (as I often tend to do), and make my idea come true. And the best thing about my plan: ITS ACHIEVABLE. a few phone calls here and there, bags packed and im ready. maybe I should start talking to my mother before I do take off on this plan though...it MIGHT make a difference. on the other hand i don't feel any less useless than I did when I was talking to her,so maybe I won't.
so about the talking to yourself part: I think it's actually good to hear your own voice every now and again. Everybody has an inner voice. If you hear it talking out loud you might actually do what it is telling you [for once] and that means you are following your heart. It may even help you keep focused and organised. AND it won't make your idea/thoughts seem to unattainable.
I used to read out loud when I was learning for my exams. And like magic, the events of World War 2 seemed so plausible and made so much sense that in turn I faired quite well in World History. Indian History just bored me, so let's not talk about that :D
I guess the 'crazy factor' hits in when talking to yourself become habitual and responsive in order to function. Perhaps it then leads on toa greater problem-schizophrenia etc.
And talking to yourself could have lots of positive effects-it's a self check. So keep that in mind next time you are out and about or are trying to do something but need some motivation. Nobody knows you like you know yourself! Even in in the hardest of times there is a part of us that, though blocked by out conscious to tackle the immediate task, is always lurking about; remind yourself of your potential, or who you are, what you can do and I guarantee you will see positive results.

Think positive and remember there is always a reason and a bright side to everything. with love
MOI

le wednesday

today is wednesday..ok wel it was wednesday till about forty mins ago.I had another incredibly ordinary day.
First, after promising myself that I would NOT sleep late and wake up late, i slept late (7am) and woke up late (1:30pm).
I swore id get some curls and push ups done BEFORE i leave for music.i didn have time.
Then I said:Today I am going to look beautfil without make up-so i put on a single line of kajal and it worked- looked gorgeous today!
(this is after i showered way too long, and for the first time in many days did not try on a million things before i chose what outfit to wear.)
Interesting day till now right?! (sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm)
So clothes on, shoved some toast into my system (buttered, with 'light' cheese and some awesome chutney),a glass of orange juice mixed with sparkling water (it tastes swell), shoes on, jacket on and off I was to my lesson.
I was meant to write lyrics to this little composition I had been singing in the previous class.till now it went : 5 4 5 4 5 4 1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 (The numbers denoting the note i was singing). Now i had to actually make a proper song.
If any of you remember clearly-i have published ONE singular song in the N&V which faced multiple criticism AND was merely experementing with words. right, since then i have not let out my lyrics to anyone BUT wangari-poor girl!!(although she flattered me once by singing a verse from one of my songs, as she asked:is that by someone or what?And i was like:Thats my song wang!For those 10 seconds of my life wangari I shall keep you in a special place in my heart FOREVER)
So i did NOT do my homework.ok that's a lie: i did my homework but was too emberassed to show what i had written, that I simply said: Sorry writer's bloc this week, and I would like to do something to warm up my voice.I am very croaky.It worked-after an hour of warming up, I walked out of my lesson, ready to sing. I reached home and the house was EMPTY! It was 2000hours. Who cares right? i surely didn't. So i reached into my tummy and head and belted out a tune.It felt great.

What I forgot to mention was: On my way to my lesson I saw an old man peering out of his window on to the street. And a lady was walking by his window, who I think he really startled when he suddenly called out to her! I mean it's ok to stare out your window, but talking to people as you are doing so-i think NOT!

the reason i wake up....and what I think

there is no real reason why i wake up, get out of bed, eat, talk (i dont really do much of that...), walk, bath, or do the things i do.
But the answer is quite simple-i do things out of habit.
And now I am in the run to get a job. I don't job out of habit, at least not physically, but mentally it is a norm, a must, in order to survive. Once again I contemplate-survive for what?
I mean i don't have to work, but even free food has a price.
So whilst I am sitting at my Dad's office, taking help from a certain kind gentlemen here, all the help I can, i do feel totally helpless. I feel like my hands have been tied all my life, and now they are untied, but I can't shake the feeling of them being tied together, and I feel insecure-not to be mistaken with a sensation of being 'lost'.I am not lost, I am merely confused. But confusion can be set right with discipline, right?
So coming back to what I wanted to actually write about-I was thinking that the next interview I walk into (if such an interview should come about) I would be honest.Just tell things as they are. The last place I was invited to an interview for, well they asked me why i wanted to work in a bank after I had been through intensive training as a journalist (Damn im a qualified journalist!)and i bullshitted my way through-because I am good at that!that's what makes me a good journalist.I can bullshit my way through anything.Im a fantastic liar, though a little confused sometimes, but I know that there's nothing I cant do if I set my mind to it (my wii records are living proof). So when I walk into this hopefuly-going-to-happen-soon interview here's how it's going to go:

"So, Esra, why are you here?"
"(I shall give a cheeky, sarcastic smile-Im good at sarcasm, and I have this amazing eye brow gesture that goes so well with it)- Well, there's an either or involved here; you can either give you waht you would usually like to hear, or I can be abstract and be totally honest...."
"Be honest"
"Yes, honestly is the best policy..or so the saying goes....Right so honesty you choose, honesty it shall be. I would say that I have had a very decent life. Yes, things have actually been very comfortable for me. I have two sane parents, insane families, an erratic sibling, and well as the oldest cousin, I have a handful of youngsters who look up to me (I am still trying to figure out why). I have great friends all over the world, a good solid education, and as for myself I would judge myself to be an incredibly normal person with normal issues.I have a lot of issues. But that's because I am so intoxicated with overthiknig a matter, that even though I can detach myself from something I won't ever forget about it. And in all honesty, I want to write songs, stand on the red carpet and ask Demi Moore what on earth she sees in the otherwise incredibly immature and childish Ashton Kutcher, and I want to do good in the world. But today I am here, at this interview, because I realise that all those things are aspirations, and dreams, and hopes, and I will continue to have them, but in the meantime I have to get on with life. I have dwelled for a long time on what I truly wanted, and it did me no good. Well except that I realised that i had to get my act together. So today I am here, not because this is the first thing that came about, please don't get me wrong, I am here because I realise I have potential as a human being to go beyond my dreams; I have realised that I simply cannot limit myself to do certain things because I might not get lucky in this lifetime. And I am confident enough to step out of my bubble and stand up to my ego, stand up to myself, put my foot down and honestly pucker up, put on a bra and use whatever sense I have to this job. Because I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. (and then of course Ill ad on a few qualities I have to do this task).

Maybe I'll come off flakey. But i have never been flakey.I have done everything I was meant to do. And when it didn't feel right I still did it, when it felt right I did it with the same gusto.And the things I didn't do-i don't regret not having done them.Opportunities come and go, and you can either grasp them, or let them go by; but the most important thing is that you shoudl never rgeret anything, because then you don't forget yourself. It's like a cancer then.the guilt will continue to grow.

I have a funny feeling inside of me though. I feel ocnfident in my mind when I say all this, and I want to do it, my intentions my thoughts are all so clear so good...but I realise that I am weak-because I have never used my words to get my way.I just did something when I wanted to. Now when I think about it, I just feel stupid-i feel downright silly, and all I want to do is lie in comforting arms and cry.

coincidences

So I have been watching TV shows and reading stuff and it just so happens that what I have been reading up on, or watching somehow shows up later on in the day in another medium of communication. So i thought I would write a few down, and keep adding on-if u get any on your mind let me know

1- Im reading NEWS reports: SPICE might become illegal in the UK (its a legal herbal cannabis)
2 minutes later on CSI NY: the agents find a carrot bong, containing THC...
2- Im watching stuff on excocism on youtube.
a few minutes later I am watching CSI (I think..not sure) and it's about excocism

....more to come....

essie thinks again.........

so last week I had it all worked out: Ive always known What i had to do, but i just had to take some action and do it.
I set out to making a plan-on paper. But after that....well nothing has happened since then.

I know exactly what I have to do.ALways.My intentions are good.In my mind I have thought out every step, and I cant wait to lay my plans into action.I am fairly meticulous when it comes to planning things out that basically require only me. Even in a team, I always have a picture in my mind when doing a project. But of late,I lack motivation. And I think today i realised why.

I was talking to Aram, and I just got incredibly annoyed at the fact that he is sounding like my parents.I wont deny that everyone is right in saying the stuff they have been saying to me of late, but it is really annoying. So here is me, lacking any kind of creative inspiration, any kind of life, and I have made plans for myself. Big Plans. But why do I still feel crippled?

The answer is simple: I have no friends. No physical contact with someone I can call my friend. I have a teacher, a very wise teacher as a matter of fact- and i mean literally my music teacher. She teaches me, when I leave my lesson I feel good, strong, healthy, like I have become more knowledgeable. But I really lack friendship here. And sadly I am not at a stage of my life where I can gladly step out and make new friends with people who might seem supportive, but really are annoying me just like others. The others, I shall label 'wise-cracks'. Friends-someone who knows me and will help me, be on my side, NOT tell me what to do and then walk off thinking their job is done.

I miss my friends. Which is why in my mind I wish I was in India with my two best friends. Yasha I know ur comin down there sooner or later and it would be so nice if all of us could be together. Because then I have guidance, support, love, contact, advice, criticism, joy, and sometimes even sadness all in one place-and it should make me happy, stable, and able to cope with life more easier.

Life truly is about friendship. Nothing else matters.

i don't think I add value to the world

I don't think i add value to the world.probably why I doubt my abilities.abilities to be able to contribute significantly.but then my mind has this constant conflict:Why bother to contribute to anything, if it's just fleeting effort?

im watchin 'lois and clark: the new adventures of superman'.having another sleepless night, and not lookin forward to my day.simply because, i have only good intentions and no motivation.what I need is guidance,structure and discpline.I can hardly believe I am saying this, but i think I miss school for those very reasons. University ruined me. Things that happened before that were good for me.Yet I hated it, the idea of it, the execution of it.But it was good for me.I was active (though always sleepign in class..but hey with 3 hours sleep every night it wasn't easy stayin awake), thin, alert, not bothered about anything but what I achieved, i had friends and I was generally happy, I did my own thing and achieved much more in four years in boardin school than I have achieved in my entire life. Damn!I still hate school, but i was good for me.I think it would still be.