I was drowning out your voice,
to never hear your cry.
I was trying to ignore-
the never-ending sigh.
All I ever wanted, was a little piece of you;
to never hear you say good-bye
But it was all, too good to be true.
I was drowning out your cries of love,
for too similar are those of pain;
everytime that you would shout at me
Again and again and
again.
I looked into the sky at night for a little piece of you,
even though
even though I felt so blue.
I am working on this piece i call
'Riddance of madness'.
To deal with all these thought I have :
Constant churning feelings
of
sadness.
Through this rough path that we've been through,
I've been drowning out your voice so much
I didn't hear you when you said
"I Love you".
Monday 5 October 2009
Friday 18 September 2009
I felt like saying...
I should not want to care less,
but my mind conquers my heart.
I would not have to apologise,
but my pride conquers my mind.
I could not be your lover,
for my world is cold and dark.
but my mind conquers my heart.
I would not have to apologise,
but my pride conquers my mind.
I could not be your lover,
for my world is cold and dark.
I have not been your friend,
as we mold dimensions
apart.
I say good bye
to yet another.
Yet another has said
farewell.
Most honestly I do not want to be
proud,strong,lover or friend,
for my world is cold and dark.
Sunday 6 September 2009
Monday 10 August 2009
Fooking 'ell!
Wow! This blogging is getting more and more sporadic. I do apologise!
Right, so now I finally have a few seconds and I would like to give a brief update.
A LOT, and I really mean A LOT, has been happening over the past few weeks.
My mother has been quite unwell, which has been this family's main concern for almost two months now (another WOW!I can't believe time has flown by so fast). But I owe a big thanks and lots of love to those who have been wishing good things upon us and those who have gone out of their way to make this famiy's life easier.
Firstly.
My job hunt hadn't been too successful as we all know. Hence, I took it as a sign to enroll for further studies. I have not heard back from the universities-Yet! But I believe August is full of surprises. *Wink, Wink*
Secondly.
BUT here is where this whole thing gets a bit more interesting. Other than the fact that I have been made a SERIOUS job offer in Mumbai to be production assistan, I have also started a new job today. Isn't that lovely?!
So I shall now be making some cash, spending some cash and lamenting I have no cash when I am quite surely working towards making some again. It is a lovely thing knowing that I will actually have a surplus amount of money to spend on clothes and shoes, without feeling guilty that I have spent my parents hard-earned money (Yes, I feel guilty!)
Finally.
Right, so now I finally have a few seconds and I would like to give a brief update.
A LOT, and I really mean A LOT, has been happening over the past few weeks.
My mother has been quite unwell, which has been this family's main concern for almost two months now (another WOW!I can't believe time has flown by so fast). But I owe a big thanks and lots of love to those who have been wishing good things upon us and those who have gone out of their way to make this famiy's life easier.
Firstly.
My job hunt hadn't been too successful as we all know. Hence, I took it as a sign to enroll for further studies. I have not heard back from the universities-Yet! But I believe August is full of surprises. *Wink, Wink*
Secondly.
BUT here is where this whole thing gets a bit more interesting. Other than the fact that I have been made a SERIOUS job offer in Mumbai to be production assistan, I have also started a new job today. Isn't that lovely?!
So I shall now be making some cash, spending some cash and lamenting I have no cash when I am quite surely working towards making some again. It is a lovely thing knowing that I will actually have a surplus amount of money to spend on clothes and shoes, without feeling guilty that I have spent my parents hard-earned money (Yes, I feel guilty!)
Finally.
Saturday 27 June 2009
FINALLY!
So i am finally giving a little update girls
Its been a buy june. First I was just meeting lots of new people from around town, then i was working with one of the new kids from around town, n then i was chilling with the new kids from around town. Now I am in holland-to which I only hve to say, damn there are more cows here than people! or something ridiculous like that.
ok that's all I have time for now.
Its been a buy june. First I was just meeting lots of new people from around town, then i was working with one of the new kids from around town, n then i was chilling with the new kids from around town. Now I am in holland-to which I only hve to say, damn there are more cows here than people! or something ridiculous like that.
ok that's all I have time for now.
Saturday 23 May 2009
Am I a critic?
Whilst taking a shower, I was could not help but think about certain aspects of my life.
Last night Yasha asked to read something she had written and to comment candidly on it.
A series of thoughts then triggered off a memory and a cynical thought set on the porch of Mrs Datta's office.
We used to study Thomas Hardy. I never liked him. But the question I posed was- why is he so renowned? what makes him stand out from the rest. Something makes me unsure to think that there was no other author that wrote quite like him. But really what is it that makes him to worthy to study in an elective english class?
and then again what gives me the license to be a critic?
Do I have this pleasure of taking apart his hard work, because his hidden meanings and insinuations are no longer acceptable or understood by the 21st century scholar?
I am a cynic. We all know that. I believe that men are assholes, and women are bitches. Therefore, when Thomas Hardy subtly describes the cruelties and suppression done unto women, I am confused as to who to mock more- him for writing about it, but not actually doing anything about, or the woman who can't hold her own.
Last night Yasha asked to read something she had written and to comment candidly on it.
A series of thoughts then triggered off a memory and a cynical thought set on the porch of Mrs Datta's office.
We used to study Thomas Hardy. I never liked him. But the question I posed was- why is he so renowned? what makes him stand out from the rest. Something makes me unsure to think that there was no other author that wrote quite like him. But really what is it that makes him to worthy to study in an elective english class?
and then again what gives me the license to be a critic?
Do I have this pleasure of taking apart his hard work, because his hidden meanings and insinuations are no longer acceptable or understood by the 21st century scholar?
I am a cynic. We all know that. I believe that men are assholes, and women are bitches. Therefore, when Thomas Hardy subtly describes the cruelties and suppression done unto women, I am confused as to who to mock more- him for writing about it, but not actually doing anything about, or the woman who can't hold her own.
Monday 18 May 2009
When there are no more stars left to gaze upon
There are millions of stars in the sky. Some you see, others are shy. I recall a wintry night, it was warm and i caught sight
of
The stars in the night time.
I was younger then. it was time ago. I had a goal, I had a dream, I had a place to be. But the world being complex and I being simple, have lost my place, and now am victim to this Maze.
Months have passed, stars have come and gone. Lonesome is this life I lead, and in the black night, nomore stars to gaze upon.
When there are nomore stars left to gaze upon, I won't see another day. The lights in the bright sky shine nomore, and nothing I can do or say, will make the pitch black hole go away.
Dear Blog,
It's been awhile. I thought I would be good with this. But it all falls apart in the end. Isn't it crazy how nothing ever remains the same?
Mona Lisa's smile will not have the same relevance in 50 years, as it has today.
Bill Gates will be an anonymous legend in 100 years.
But much before that, I will cease to exist and what remains is but a distant memory, and maybe the offspring will muse on the thoughts of me some day, in a far away land.
It's been awhile. I thought I would be good with this. But it all falls apart in the end. Isn't it crazy how nothing ever remains the same?
Mona Lisa's smile will not have the same relevance in 50 years, as it has today.
Bill Gates will be an anonymous legend in 100 years.
But much before that, I will cease to exist and what remains is but a distant memory, and maybe the offspring will muse on the thoughts of me some day, in a far away land.
Sunday 5 April 2009
I like cold beverages
This song's been going through my head all day: I like cold beverages, i like cold beverages, i like cold beverages.....something, something,something. youtube it: it's a spunky song, by G.Love (i think with Special Sauce..not sure though)
so how have I spent my day today? Well, I was fortunate enough to be spending 7 hours of my glorious free-time at the Musikmesse; or music fair, in the famour fair grounds of Frankfurt. Which by no means should be mistaken with a 'fun-fair' or carnival type event; although if you visit the book fair, you pretty much are at a carnival for book-display. moving on...
the music fair is pretty interesting. ok it's not as interesting as it is exhausting and confusing. There is so much to see and do, and you get to try ALL the instruments, and listen to a bunch of americans make Pree-sentations (intentional spelling). There were several arists singing sheets of glossy paper with their pictures on it. I stood in line for two of those signings.
I arrived at 12 pm. By the time I was done with 5 out of 8 rooms, I had two, no, Three bags on my shoulders-free magazines mainly. And a pair of drum sticks (yay). The rest, was a load of crap. Oh and I got a 'pearl' bag. But everyone was walking around with really cool Marshall bags, and I could not find the stand. That really disappointed me.
The highlight of the day though, was the Agora Stage. Live music. Awesome music. The RTL ALl Star band-freaking amazing (RTL is like one of the main channels in Germland). They had award-winning drummers there too; like Will Coulhen (you might not be aware, but he's awesome) and the legen-wait for it-DARY Randy Black! It was an honor to listen to you both. For those of you who don't know me too well, or even if you do, here a piece of info about me: I have a thing for percussionists. I always did, always will. Enough said.
On my way home all I could think about how sad my life has become. But then I thought that when i was a few years younger, the opportunities to become something were given to me; thrown right at me. Now it really is up to me to make the best of that which was given to me earlier in life so easily. and even back then it was hard work. The music i was making made me happy. I did crazy things some times to make that music-like i bunked an entire week of school once and sat hiding in the music room, just so that I didn't have to attend the final maths classes in VVS. Ultimately, my class teacher found me lurking in the corners of the drums room, but heck, they all loved me and i don't think anyone really cared what I did anyway.
My performance with Abida Parveen and Lufti Bushnik: I learnt ALL the sufi music with Amir (the Neh player from Iran) within three days. Of course the following ten days were just about fine-tuning and dress-rehearsal. I would give anything to be sitting amidst the damp smell of the green room under the stage, or to be jamming with the guys who came to help us to do the mahabharat play for founder's, or to just sit around in the audi playing for noone,and then looking up at hundreds of intense faces. And even the mere thought makes me think of warmer, happier days; the sun's shining bright outside,but I'm not happy. Why do people keep saying 'You should be happy to be alive, or that you lived another day' when I'd much rather not be miserable and struggling.
I think I could gain some happiness from sitting on the cool grass, with my friends, sipping cold beverages, and doing the thing that makes me most happiest-music is what I am good at. That's my talent. But I've lost that too....
so how have I spent my day today? Well, I was fortunate enough to be spending 7 hours of my glorious free-time at the Musikmesse; or music fair, in the famour fair grounds of Frankfurt. Which by no means should be mistaken with a 'fun-fair' or carnival type event; although if you visit the book fair, you pretty much are at a carnival for book-display. moving on...
the music fair is pretty interesting. ok it's not as interesting as it is exhausting and confusing. There is so much to see and do, and you get to try ALL the instruments, and listen to a bunch of americans make Pree-sentations (intentional spelling). There were several arists singing sheets of glossy paper with their pictures on it. I stood in line for two of those signings.
I arrived at 12 pm. By the time I was done with 5 out of 8 rooms, I had two, no, Three bags on my shoulders-free magazines mainly. And a pair of drum sticks (yay). The rest, was a load of crap. Oh and I got a 'pearl' bag. But everyone was walking around with really cool Marshall bags, and I could not find the stand. That really disappointed me.
The highlight of the day though, was the Agora Stage. Live music. Awesome music. The RTL ALl Star band-freaking amazing (RTL is like one of the main channels in Germland). They had award-winning drummers there too; like Will Coulhen (you might not be aware, but he's awesome) and the legen-wait for it-DARY Randy Black! It was an honor to listen to you both. For those of you who don't know me too well, or even if you do, here a piece of info about me: I have a thing for percussionists. I always did, always will. Enough said.
On my way home all I could think about how sad my life has become. But then I thought that when i was a few years younger, the opportunities to become something were given to me; thrown right at me. Now it really is up to me to make the best of that which was given to me earlier in life so easily. and even back then it was hard work. The music i was making made me happy. I did crazy things some times to make that music-like i bunked an entire week of school once and sat hiding in the music room, just so that I didn't have to attend the final maths classes in VVS. Ultimately, my class teacher found me lurking in the corners of the drums room, but heck, they all loved me and i don't think anyone really cared what I did anyway.
My performance with Abida Parveen and Lufti Bushnik: I learnt ALL the sufi music with Amir (the Neh player from Iran) within three days. Of course the following ten days were just about fine-tuning and dress-rehearsal. I would give anything to be sitting amidst the damp smell of the green room under the stage, or to be jamming with the guys who came to help us to do the mahabharat play for founder's, or to just sit around in the audi playing for noone,and then looking up at hundreds of intense faces. And even the mere thought makes me think of warmer, happier days; the sun's shining bright outside,but I'm not happy. Why do people keep saying 'You should be happy to be alive, or that you lived another day' when I'd much rather not be miserable and struggling.
I think I could gain some happiness from sitting on the cool grass, with my friends, sipping cold beverages, and doing the thing that makes me most happiest-music is what I am good at. That's my talent. But I've lost that too....
Sunday 15 March 2009
To think I might not see those eyes
"To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry."
Snow Patrol ('Run')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qen3Xovtfc
Refering to a post by my friend Yasha, I would like to comment on how blogging is the 'interim'-the in between (that was not a conscious dictionary move) of a big step; the breath you take when you start a new sentene; the pause before the accentuated, long, sequence of notes on your staff; the bending of knees before the big jump, etc.
Right now I have been contemplating for about two days straight. And that is a fair amount of contemplation. I am no philosopher, but I like to toy with the fact that I could be, if I could be bothered enough to write about my philosophies (and do some research..but then in my opinion philosophy has a face, that does not require such characteristics; i am a philosopher in my own mind; or something to that extent) Moving on...
As you know (if you read my previous stuff you would know) that my conflicts are merely those of the heart and mind. A still pending and unresolved conflict. A conversation I had a few weeks ago with a friend of mine, made me realise that I am actually more or less convinced that my mind is thinking the 'right' thing. my heart on the other is being irrational and stupid and taking a risk. Sadly i can't follow through on both.
So over the past few days, I have been merely contemplating- no longer is it a conflict; there is a stalemate. No, not a stalemate. There is no war though. I have come to accept that the coalition government is here to stay. Acceptance brings peace. The next step though is working on the solutions.
So I term this the contemplation phase. A sort of Video-conference, or round table conference or to be more original 'the thinking clear' conference.
Sadly, events have taken a turn. Probably the reason why I am a bit more clear in my mind. It has turned out that the cause of my suffering, might not be a cause of happy suffering any longer.It was along period of hoping and believeing that if everything else fails, this particular thing won't. But it turns out that relationships, no matter how well cemented, can be shaken up and crumbled like, uhm, crumble, by a strong enough force; an earth quake in terms of relationships i suppose. So if the matters of the heart are settled by controllable, yet unforeseen forces, then the circumstances have been tweeked in favour of the mind.
But when I think about it, the suffering at least made me happy. I have not been as frustrated, unhappy, rough, sad, low, on the verge of tears, helpless, rude, brash, annoyed, confused, alone, suicidal, and other negative things, as I have been today. And it makes no sense.
When I think about how a few simple words that were sent to me in a freaking 'text' message,make me feel, I think of how "I might not see those eyes. Makes it so hard not to cry. And as we say our long good byes, I nearly do"
I hope that I can, as in the past turn my back and walk away. But I'd rather work things out. My heart might not mend easily this time.
If you cared enough, *A*, you would be reading this. But I know you don't read my blog. I have sprawled out my thoughts to you i writing, and you still don't get it.
makes it so hard not to cry."
Snow Patrol ('Run')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qen3Xovtfc
Refering to a post by my friend Yasha, I would like to comment on how blogging is the 'interim'-the in between (that was not a conscious dictionary move) of a big step; the breath you take when you start a new sentene; the pause before the accentuated, long, sequence of notes on your staff; the bending of knees before the big jump, etc.
Right now I have been contemplating for about two days straight. And that is a fair amount of contemplation. I am no philosopher, but I like to toy with the fact that I could be, if I could be bothered enough to write about my philosophies (and do some research..but then in my opinion philosophy has a face, that does not require such characteristics; i am a philosopher in my own mind; or something to that extent) Moving on...
As you know (if you read my previous stuff you would know) that my conflicts are merely those of the heart and mind. A still pending and unresolved conflict. A conversation I had a few weeks ago with a friend of mine, made me realise that I am actually more or less convinced that my mind is thinking the 'right' thing. my heart on the other is being irrational and stupid and taking a risk. Sadly i can't follow through on both.
So over the past few days, I have been merely contemplating- no longer is it a conflict; there is a stalemate. No, not a stalemate. There is no war though. I have come to accept that the coalition government is here to stay. Acceptance brings peace. The next step though is working on the solutions.
So I term this the contemplation phase. A sort of Video-conference, or round table conference or to be more original 'the thinking clear' conference.
Sadly, events have taken a turn. Probably the reason why I am a bit more clear in my mind. It has turned out that the cause of my suffering, might not be a cause of happy suffering any longer.It was along period of hoping and believeing that if everything else fails, this particular thing won't. But it turns out that relationships, no matter how well cemented, can be shaken up and crumbled like, uhm, crumble, by a strong enough force; an earth quake in terms of relationships i suppose. So if the matters of the heart are settled by controllable, yet unforeseen forces, then the circumstances have been tweeked in favour of the mind.
But when I think about it, the suffering at least made me happy. I have not been as frustrated, unhappy, rough, sad, low, on the verge of tears, helpless, rude, brash, annoyed, confused, alone, suicidal, and other negative things, as I have been today. And it makes no sense.
When I think about how a few simple words that were sent to me in a freaking 'text' message,make me feel, I think of how "I might not see those eyes. Makes it so hard not to cry. And as we say our long good byes, I nearly do"
I hope that I can, as in the past turn my back and walk away. But I'd rather work things out. My heart might not mend easily this time.
If you cared enough, *A*, you would be reading this. But I know you don't read my blog. I have sprawled out my thoughts to you i writing, and you still don't get it.
Friday 13 March 2009
should never think...when you do, this is what happens
so as i said i think a post ago,i need to write some lyrics and compose a tune for my music lesson.now don't get me wrong, I love my music lessons, but this whole compose a simple yet effective song for me thing just doesnt seem to work for me.
but anyway i gave it a shot-wnated to write something light and easy...how does it sound???
V1
You hear it on the Radio
You've seen it on TV
obama is the president
the Chosen One is he
V2
Revolution in the air
A fresh breath we take
and see a change
yes! we can make
Ch
THe world even smaller
The flies even bigger
the stars seem closer
the tides even higher
V3
WHen you read your paper
on your PC
what is it that you see?
is this real, or is it just
a conspiracy?
V4
He put a smile on your face
a warm embrace
or this just a phase
to make
repeat chorus..... and then improvise
but anyway i gave it a shot-wnated to write something light and easy...how does it sound???
V1
You hear it on the Radio
You've seen it on TV
obama is the president
the Chosen One is he
V2
Revolution in the air
A fresh breath we take
and see a change
yes! we can make
Ch
THe world even smaller
The flies even bigger
the stars seem closer
the tides even higher
V3
WHen you read your paper
on your PC
what is it that you see?
is this real, or is it just
a conspiracy?
V4
He put a smile on your face
a warm embrace
or this just a phase
to make
repeat chorus..... and then improvise
Tuesday 10 March 2009
another tragedy
so i have to write and compose a song for my lesson on friday.it's not hard, but it is hard when you are embaressed of your work. do you know it's taken me over 20 years to actually allow anyone to hear a full sample of my work?
So i am stuck-not onl do i have seere writers bloc, but my teacher has requested me to not write about myself and change the tune of the song that i had previously written. this is not a challenge for me-it is torture. i cant write and i cant sing the same tune second time around, without changing it completely.Sombody help me please...maybe u can contribute like 1 line at a time.perhaps i could come up with something inbetween.fill in the gaps kind of thing!
So i am stuck-not onl do i have seere writers bloc, but my teacher has requested me to not write about myself and change the tune of the song that i had previously written. this is not a challenge for me-it is torture. i cant write and i cant sing the same tune second time around, without changing it completely.Sombody help me please...maybe u can contribute like 1 line at a time.perhaps i could come up with something inbetween.fill in the gaps kind of thing!
Sunday 8 March 2009
Now that I am married
Everything seems much clearer, now that I am married. No longer do I have to remind my mother of the flamboyant promises she made to 13 year old me. I am married now and may do as I please.
Last week I went to a fair, and had fake hair braided into my scalp. It hurt.
Yesterday, after work, I was bored, so I went window-shopping. I have very little money, but when I saw the tattoo and piercing parlour I could not resist. Now my ankle is scarred for life.
This morning I woke up, thinking. Thinking of all the things I could do, now that I am married. But it wasn't all the glamour I had expected. Now everybody knows that I am having sex (or not...either way I am no longer 'pure'). And when a sexual joke is made, I can no longer pretend I don't understand.
Now that I am married, if I have an affair, I can be left stranded with nothing. A fight through the night just won't 'justify' my actions.
NOW that I am married to one man, if I do anything foolish, everybody looks down at me, and tell me to grow up.
If being married means happiness with one person, in the same home, building a family, and just being happy-signing to a lifetime of happiness, then why am I still living up to other's expectations? When I wake up in the morning, why can't i walk out in my tracks anymore, without people telling me that I need to look respectable, now that I am married.
My lip is pierced and everybody looks at me weirdly. I have a tattoo and someone said that I am having an early mid-life crisis.
I do not wash my hair all the time, nor shave my legs, and my husband does not call me beautiful. In fact, he keeps reminding me of how I used to be, how I lost my innocence and what a waste of time it was. He has no reply to my rhetort...
Nobody questions him if he goes out alone-except me. Why can't i go too? I know you buddies bring their girlfriends of the day.
Quizás I made a bad choice. Quizás I was too young. Quizás I no longer want to be married. Quizás this is my destiny...
Monday 2 March 2009
things are not all ha ha hee hee
no, things are not always ha ha hee. But everyone already knows that right?
Today had it's ups and downs. And like any other person I have realised that the decision I have to make is definetely life-changing. I have always heard people say that the decisions they made at some point of time in life changed everything that ever happened to them. but i never believed them. i guess there is more truth than I thought in the phrase ' you gotta experience it to believe it', or whatever.
SO as in my previous post, you know that my weekend has not been all that exciting. BUT I am doing more this weekend than i have done on any other. It makes me happy, AND I can already feel the misery kicking in. you know the low you have when things have been going so great, that when they are over you feel horribly weighed down but the emptiness that follows.
Today reality finally caught up with me. In the sense that, I have always been realistic, I am the person who sees things for what they are, not what they could be. That may seem naive in some people's minds, but it has worked for me.
I was in the car, with Aram, we had a bit of aloud discussion and I suddenly realised that I have to make a life-changing decision. One one hand I have been presented with a golden chance to follow my dreams, and on the other I have a shot at love. The romantic in me says "follow your heart". The cynic in me says "money is everything. Do some good for yourself". For about a year, I have been trying to find a way to get both. I have been to scared to face the consequences of making this decision and I strongly believe that it is the roote cause of all my misery.
I have had and am still haveing the best weekend in a VERY long time, but I can feel the low kicking in. And if my heart and mind can't unite, then I am sure that I will be stranded forever.
Sunday 1 March 2009
THE Weekend
yup it's weekend time-which basically means that i have to get my act together under the supervisiton my family; my mother who is usually at work till the afternoon and decides that Sunday is a nice day of the week to watch Hindi Phillems (an indianised version of 'films' for those who just don't get it), and i have a father-who in small doses is incredible, but when he scowls in his lungi and unshavenness...well let's just say, not that incredible anymore.but of course both parents are LUVABLE...(you have to be their child to understand what Iam getting at.since you are not and I am and this blog is not meant for you, it's for me, i really don't give a rat's dropping)
Right soooooo me weekend so far goes as:
FRIDAY-talk to mom, get money from her to go to Mannheim to visit Namrata and party wild.
Go to Mannheim-Get lost on the way to Namo's house; find way to Namo's house, irritate Dosco friend.
Get ready, and leave for 'Studentenwohnheim' (cant remember the name of the street)
Drink fizzy stuff, watch Namo cut finger, watch Alex cook Sauerkraut, Bratkartoffeln and Gebackenes Schwein
Chit chat, meet new people, wine and dine
SATURDAY:Leave for club after wine and dine
Party at club, handle tipsy friends, apologies to pushed man on behalf of tipsy friend
Break bag, break glasses, breakfast-city döner
Go back to Namo's-chit chat, pack, supervise, sleep, feel sick, complain of feeling sick but not actually getting sick.
Brush teeth, drag HEAVY suitcase to station, buy tickets, go to platform
SOMEHOW manage to put HEAVY suitcase on train (NO NAMO you were NOOOOO help this time!!!)
Train packed, no place to breath, feel more sick
Arrival: Frankfurt Main Flughafen, Terminal 1.
Make way to SkyLine. Pick up phone: It's ARAM. My heart smiles
Wait for ARAM at SkyLine.
Meet and Greet Aram, take SkyLine and que up at Emirates Counter! (WHAT A LONG Q IT WAS)
Meet and Greet Piyush-Namo's pal; Meet and Greet me mum. Mum takes Namo ahead of the Que; connections, connections, connections. Namo is 10 KG overweight (her LUGGAGE)
Check-in, more chit chat, chit chat, bla bla, making fun of, abusing, being weird.say good bye. ARAM, me mum, And I go home
SATURDAY HOME: Meet and Greet Dad.
Sleep's kicking in. Need to stay awake for formal dinner.
Leave ARAM (my poor baby-im sorry)at home, go to dinner. Me mum and dad in car, I fall down six stairs, swollen knee-bruised knee-annoying knee.
Dinner
Back home
Missed ARAM
ARAM at home doing what he should be doing-i.e. fixing my laptop (A)
SUNDAY (midnight of Satuday)
I, ARAM play Wii, watch 'Lost', fool around.
I, in bed-thinking: I'm naughty, haughty and tight (and is in 'Swell'!)
I, in bed-thinkng: ARAM.....I love you.
Right soooooo me weekend so far goes as:
FRIDAY-talk to mom, get money from her to go to Mannheim to visit Namrata and party wild.
Go to Mannheim-Get lost on the way to Namo's house; find way to Namo's house, irritate Dosco friend.
Get ready, and leave for 'Studentenwohnheim' (cant remember the name of the street)
Drink fizzy stuff, watch Namo cut finger, watch Alex cook Sauerkraut, Bratkartoffeln and Gebackenes Schwein
Chit chat, meet new people, wine and dine
SATURDAY:Leave for club after wine and dine
Party at club, handle tipsy friends, apologies to pushed man on behalf of tipsy friend
Break bag, break glasses, breakfast-city döner
Go back to Namo's-chit chat, pack, supervise, sleep, feel sick, complain of feeling sick but not actually getting sick.
Brush teeth, drag HEAVY suitcase to station, buy tickets, go to platform
SOMEHOW manage to put HEAVY suitcase on train (NO NAMO you were NOOOOO help this time!!!)
Train packed, no place to breath, feel more sick
Arrival: Frankfurt Main Flughafen, Terminal 1.
Make way to SkyLine. Pick up phone: It's ARAM. My heart smiles
Wait for ARAM at SkyLine.
Meet and Greet Aram, take SkyLine and que up at Emirates Counter! (WHAT A LONG Q IT WAS)
Meet and Greet Piyush-Namo's pal; Meet and Greet me mum. Mum takes Namo ahead of the Que; connections, connections, connections. Namo is 10 KG overweight (her LUGGAGE)
Check-in, more chit chat, chit chat, bla bla, making fun of, abusing, being weird.say good bye. ARAM, me mum, And I go home
SATURDAY HOME: Meet and Greet Dad.
Sleep's kicking in. Need to stay awake for formal dinner.
Leave ARAM (my poor baby-im sorry)at home, go to dinner. Me mum and dad in car, I fall down six stairs, swollen knee-bruised knee-annoying knee.
Dinner
Back home
Missed ARAM
ARAM at home doing what he should be doing-i.e. fixing my laptop (A)
SUNDAY (midnight of Satuday)
I, ARAM play Wii, watch 'Lost', fool around.
I, in bed-thinking: I'm naughty, haughty and tight (and is in 'Swell'!)
I, in bed-thinkng: ARAM.....I love you.
Saturday 21 February 2009
why are there guidlines to living?
so its saturday night, im at home as always, watching that 70s show and Fez is playing a pervy game with a GI Joe and two Barbie's. Kitty walks in and right back out-and pretends she did not see him.
So my question to you is: Why is not ok for a grown person, especially a man, to play with 'dolls' but when you are kids anything goes-AND it's even ok, when as a parent you play dolls with your daughter, but God forbid you EVER let your son touch a Barbie unless he has intentions of destroying her face.
i want to write a book. ive always wanted to.but i dont want to write it alone and i want it to be fictional, funny, scary and weird- and it should revolve around the top of the food chain-im not talking about man but something fictional thats higher than man.im writing this here, because i want copyright to this idea. and once its penned down noone can steal my idea. anyone want to help me write this book?
You know You're going crazy when...
Can you fill in the blank there?
I would not be able to tell at which point I would declare myself crazy.
But i can assure you that talking to yourself, does not make you crazy. I talk to myself when i have a stroke of genius.I just had one. Now all I have to do is keep myself sane, not hyperventilate (as I often tend to do), and make my idea come true. And the best thing about my plan: ITS ACHIEVABLE. a few phone calls here and there, bags packed and im ready. maybe I should start talking to my mother before I do take off on this plan though...it MIGHT make a difference. on the other hand i don't feel any less useless than I did when I was talking to her,so maybe I won't.
so about the talking to yourself part: I think it's actually good to hear your own voice every now and again. Everybody has an inner voice. If you hear it talking out loud you might actually do what it is telling you [for once] and that means you are following your heart. It may even help you keep focused and organised. AND it won't make your idea/thoughts seem to unattainable.
I used to read out loud when I was learning for my exams. And like magic, the events of World War 2 seemed so plausible and made so much sense that in turn I faired quite well in World History. Indian History just bored me, so let's not talk about that :D
I guess the 'crazy factor' hits in when talking to yourself become habitual and responsive in order to function. Perhaps it then leads on toa greater problem-schizophrenia etc.
And talking to yourself could have lots of positive effects-it's a self check. So keep that in mind next time you are out and about or are trying to do something but need some motivation. Nobody knows you like you know yourself! Even in in the hardest of times there is a part of us that, though blocked by out conscious to tackle the immediate task, is always lurking about; remind yourself of your potential, or who you are, what you can do and I guarantee you will see positive results.
Think positive and remember there is always a reason and a bright side to everything. with love
MOI
I would not be able to tell at which point I would declare myself crazy.
But i can assure you that talking to yourself, does not make you crazy. I talk to myself when i have a stroke of genius.I just had one. Now all I have to do is keep myself sane, not hyperventilate (as I often tend to do), and make my idea come true. And the best thing about my plan: ITS ACHIEVABLE. a few phone calls here and there, bags packed and im ready. maybe I should start talking to my mother before I do take off on this plan though...it MIGHT make a difference. on the other hand i don't feel any less useless than I did when I was talking to her,so maybe I won't.
so about the talking to yourself part: I think it's actually good to hear your own voice every now and again. Everybody has an inner voice. If you hear it talking out loud you might actually do what it is telling you [for once] and that means you are following your heart. It may even help you keep focused and organised. AND it won't make your idea/thoughts seem to unattainable.
I used to read out loud when I was learning for my exams. And like magic, the events of World War 2 seemed so plausible and made so much sense that in turn I faired quite well in World History. Indian History just bored me, so let's not talk about that :D
I guess the 'crazy factor' hits in when talking to yourself become habitual and responsive in order to function. Perhaps it then leads on toa greater problem-schizophrenia etc.
And talking to yourself could have lots of positive effects-it's a self check. So keep that in mind next time you are out and about or are trying to do something but need some motivation. Nobody knows you like you know yourself! Even in in the hardest of times there is a part of us that, though blocked by out conscious to tackle the immediate task, is always lurking about; remind yourself of your potential, or who you are, what you can do and I guarantee you will see positive results.
Think positive and remember there is always a reason and a bright side to everything. with love
MOI
Thursday 19 February 2009
le wednesday
today is wednesday..ok wel it was wednesday till about forty mins ago.I had another incredibly ordinary day.
First, after promising myself that I would NOT sleep late and wake up late, i slept late (7am) and woke up late (1:30pm).
I swore id get some curls and push ups done BEFORE i leave for music.i didn have time.
Then I said:Today I am going to look beautfil without make up-so i put on a single line of kajal and it worked- looked gorgeous today!
(this is after i showered way too long, and for the first time in many days did not try on a million things before i chose what outfit to wear.)
Interesting day till now right?! (sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm)
So clothes on, shoved some toast into my system (buttered, with 'light' cheese and some awesome chutney),a glass of orange juice mixed with sparkling water (it tastes swell), shoes on, jacket on and off I was to my lesson.
I was meant to write lyrics to this little composition I had been singing in the previous class.till now it went : 5 4 5 4 5 4 1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 (The numbers denoting the note i was singing). Now i had to actually make a proper song.
If any of you remember clearly-i have published ONE singular song in the N&V which faced multiple criticism AND was merely experementing with words. right, since then i have not let out my lyrics to anyone BUT wangari-poor girl!!(although she flattered me once by singing a verse from one of my songs, as she asked:is that by someone or what?And i was like:Thats my song wang!For those 10 seconds of my life wangari I shall keep you in a special place in my heart FOREVER)
So i did NOT do my homework.ok that's a lie: i did my homework but was too emberassed to show what i had written, that I simply said: Sorry writer's bloc this week, and I would like to do something to warm up my voice.I am very croaky.It worked-after an hour of warming up, I walked out of my lesson, ready to sing. I reached home and the house was EMPTY! It was 2000hours. Who cares right? i surely didn't. So i reached into my tummy and head and belted out a tune.It felt great.
What I forgot to mention was: On my way to my lesson I saw an old man peering out of his window on to the street. And a lady was walking by his window, who I think he really startled when he suddenly called out to her! I mean it's ok to stare out your window, but talking to people as you are doing so-i think NOT!
First, after promising myself that I would NOT sleep late and wake up late, i slept late (7am) and woke up late (1:30pm).
I swore id get some curls and push ups done BEFORE i leave for music.i didn have time.
Then I said:Today I am going to look beautfil without make up-so i put on a single line of kajal and it worked- looked gorgeous today!
(this is after i showered way too long, and for the first time in many days did not try on a million things before i chose what outfit to wear.)
Interesting day till now right?! (sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm)
So clothes on, shoved some toast into my system (buttered, with 'light' cheese and some awesome chutney),a glass of orange juice mixed with sparkling water (it tastes swell), shoes on, jacket on and off I was to my lesson.
I was meant to write lyrics to this little composition I had been singing in the previous class.till now it went : 5 4 5 4 5 4 1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2 (The numbers denoting the note i was singing). Now i had to actually make a proper song.
If any of you remember clearly-i have published ONE singular song in the N&V which faced multiple criticism AND was merely experementing with words. right, since then i have not let out my lyrics to anyone BUT wangari-poor girl!!(although she flattered me once by singing a verse from one of my songs, as she asked:is that by someone or what?And i was like:Thats my song wang!For those 10 seconds of my life wangari I shall keep you in a special place in my heart FOREVER)
So i did NOT do my homework.ok that's a lie: i did my homework but was too emberassed to show what i had written, that I simply said: Sorry writer's bloc this week, and I would like to do something to warm up my voice.I am very croaky.It worked-after an hour of warming up, I walked out of my lesson, ready to sing. I reached home and the house was EMPTY! It was 2000hours. Who cares right? i surely didn't. So i reached into my tummy and head and belted out a tune.It felt great.
What I forgot to mention was: On my way to my lesson I saw an old man peering out of his window on to the street. And a lady was walking by his window, who I think he really startled when he suddenly called out to her! I mean it's ok to stare out your window, but talking to people as you are doing so-i think NOT!
Monday 16 February 2009
the reason i wake up....and what I think
there is no real reason why i wake up, get out of bed, eat, talk (i dont really do much of that...), walk, bath, or do the things i do.
But the answer is quite simple-i do things out of habit.
And now I am in the run to get a job. I don't job out of habit, at least not physically, but mentally it is a norm, a must, in order to survive. Once again I contemplate-survive for what?
I mean i don't have to work, but even free food has a price.
So whilst I am sitting at my Dad's office, taking help from a certain kind gentlemen here, all the help I can, i do feel totally helpless. I feel like my hands have been tied all my life, and now they are untied, but I can't shake the feeling of them being tied together, and I feel insecure-not to be mistaken with a sensation of being 'lost'.I am not lost, I am merely confused. But confusion can be set right with discipline, right?
So coming back to what I wanted to actually write about-I was thinking that the next interview I walk into (if such an interview should come about) I would be honest.Just tell things as they are. The last place I was invited to an interview for, well they asked me why i wanted to work in a bank after I had been through intensive training as a journalist (Damn im a qualified journalist!)and i bullshitted my way through-because I am good at that!that's what makes me a good journalist.I can bullshit my way through anything.Im a fantastic liar, though a little confused sometimes, but I know that there's nothing I cant do if I set my mind to it (my wii records are living proof). So when I walk into this hopefuly-going-to-happen-soon interview here's how it's going to go:
"So, Esra, why are you here?"
"(I shall give a cheeky, sarcastic smile-Im good at sarcasm, and I have this amazing eye brow gesture that goes so well with it)- Well, there's an either or involved here; you can either give you waht you would usually like to hear, or I can be abstract and be totally honest...."
"Be honest"
"Yes, honestly is the best policy..or so the saying goes....Right so honesty you choose, honesty it shall be. I would say that I have had a very decent life. Yes, things have actually been very comfortable for me. I have two sane parents, insane families, an erratic sibling, and well as the oldest cousin, I have a handful of youngsters who look up to me (I am still trying to figure out why). I have great friends all over the world, a good solid education, and as for myself I would judge myself to be an incredibly normal person with normal issues.I have a lot of issues. But that's because I am so intoxicated with overthiknig a matter, that even though I can detach myself from something I won't ever forget about it. And in all honesty, I want to write songs, stand on the red carpet and ask Demi Moore what on earth she sees in the otherwise incredibly immature and childish Ashton Kutcher, and I want to do good in the world. But today I am here, at this interview, because I realise that all those things are aspirations, and dreams, and hopes, and I will continue to have them, but in the meantime I have to get on with life. I have dwelled for a long time on what I truly wanted, and it did me no good. Well except that I realised that i had to get my act together. So today I am here, not because this is the first thing that came about, please don't get me wrong, I am here because I realise I have potential as a human being to go beyond my dreams; I have realised that I simply cannot limit myself to do certain things because I might not get lucky in this lifetime. And I am confident enough to step out of my bubble and stand up to my ego, stand up to myself, put my foot down and honestly pucker up, put on a bra and use whatever sense I have to this job. Because I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. (and then of course Ill ad on a few qualities I have to do this task).
Maybe I'll come off flakey. But i have never been flakey.I have done everything I was meant to do. And when it didn't feel right I still did it, when it felt right I did it with the same gusto.And the things I didn't do-i don't regret not having done them.Opportunities come and go, and you can either grasp them, or let them go by; but the most important thing is that you shoudl never rgeret anything, because then you don't forget yourself. It's like a cancer then.the guilt will continue to grow.
I have a funny feeling inside of me though. I feel ocnfident in my mind when I say all this, and I want to do it, my intentions my thoughts are all so clear so good...but I realise that I am weak-because I have never used my words to get my way.I just did something when I wanted to. Now when I think about it, I just feel stupid-i feel downright silly, and all I want to do is lie in comforting arms and cry.
But the answer is quite simple-i do things out of habit.
And now I am in the run to get a job. I don't job out of habit, at least not physically, but mentally it is a norm, a must, in order to survive. Once again I contemplate-survive for what?
I mean i don't have to work, but even free food has a price.
So whilst I am sitting at my Dad's office, taking help from a certain kind gentlemen here, all the help I can, i do feel totally helpless. I feel like my hands have been tied all my life, and now they are untied, but I can't shake the feeling of them being tied together, and I feel insecure-not to be mistaken with a sensation of being 'lost'.I am not lost, I am merely confused. But confusion can be set right with discipline, right?
So coming back to what I wanted to actually write about-I was thinking that the next interview I walk into (if such an interview should come about) I would be honest.Just tell things as they are. The last place I was invited to an interview for, well they asked me why i wanted to work in a bank after I had been through intensive training as a journalist (Damn im a qualified journalist!)and i bullshitted my way through-because I am good at that!that's what makes me a good journalist.I can bullshit my way through anything.Im a fantastic liar, though a little confused sometimes, but I know that there's nothing I cant do if I set my mind to it (my wii records are living proof). So when I walk into this hopefuly-going-to-happen-soon interview here's how it's going to go:
"So, Esra, why are you here?"
"(I shall give a cheeky, sarcastic smile-Im good at sarcasm, and I have this amazing eye brow gesture that goes so well with it)- Well, there's an either or involved here; you can either give you waht you would usually like to hear, or I can be abstract and be totally honest...."
"Be honest"
"Yes, honestly is the best policy..or so the saying goes....Right so honesty you choose, honesty it shall be. I would say that I have had a very decent life. Yes, things have actually been very comfortable for me. I have two sane parents, insane families, an erratic sibling, and well as the oldest cousin, I have a handful of youngsters who look up to me (I am still trying to figure out why). I have great friends all over the world, a good solid education, and as for myself I would judge myself to be an incredibly normal person with normal issues.I have a lot of issues. But that's because I am so intoxicated with overthiknig a matter, that even though I can detach myself from something I won't ever forget about it. And in all honesty, I want to write songs, stand on the red carpet and ask Demi Moore what on earth she sees in the otherwise incredibly immature and childish Ashton Kutcher, and I want to do good in the world. But today I am here, at this interview, because I realise that all those things are aspirations, and dreams, and hopes, and I will continue to have them, but in the meantime I have to get on with life. I have dwelled for a long time on what I truly wanted, and it did me no good. Well except that I realised that i had to get my act together. So today I am here, not because this is the first thing that came about, please don't get me wrong, I am here because I realise I have potential as a human being to go beyond my dreams; I have realised that I simply cannot limit myself to do certain things because I might not get lucky in this lifetime. And I am confident enough to step out of my bubble and stand up to my ego, stand up to myself, put my foot down and honestly pucker up, put on a bra and use whatever sense I have to this job. Because I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. (and then of course Ill ad on a few qualities I have to do this task).
Maybe I'll come off flakey. But i have never been flakey.I have done everything I was meant to do. And when it didn't feel right I still did it, when it felt right I did it with the same gusto.And the things I didn't do-i don't regret not having done them.Opportunities come and go, and you can either grasp them, or let them go by; but the most important thing is that you shoudl never rgeret anything, because then you don't forget yourself. It's like a cancer then.the guilt will continue to grow.
I have a funny feeling inside of me though. I feel ocnfident in my mind when I say all this, and I want to do it, my intentions my thoughts are all so clear so good...but I realise that I am weak-because I have never used my words to get my way.I just did something when I wanted to. Now when I think about it, I just feel stupid-i feel downright silly, and all I want to do is lie in comforting arms and cry.
coincidences
So I have been watching TV shows and reading stuff and it just so happens that what I have been reading up on, or watching somehow shows up later on in the day in another medium of communication. So i thought I would write a few down, and keep adding on-if u get any on your mind let me know
1- Im reading NEWS reports: SPICE might become illegal in the UK (its a legal herbal cannabis)
2 minutes later on CSI NY: the agents find a carrot bong, containing THC...
2- Im watching stuff on excocism on youtube.
a few minutes later I am watching CSI (I think..not sure) and it's about excocism
....more to come....
1- Im reading NEWS reports: SPICE might become illegal in the UK (its a legal herbal cannabis)
2 minutes later on CSI NY: the agents find a carrot bong, containing THC...
2- Im watching stuff on excocism on youtube.
a few minutes later I am watching CSI (I think..not sure) and it's about excocism
....more to come....
Wednesday 11 February 2009
essie thinks again.........
so last week I had it all worked out: Ive always known What i had to do, but i just had to take some action and do it.
I set out to making a plan-on paper. But after that....well nothing has happened since then.
I know exactly what I have to do.ALways.My intentions are good.In my mind I have thought out every step, and I cant wait to lay my plans into action.I am fairly meticulous when it comes to planning things out that basically require only me. Even in a team, I always have a picture in my mind when doing a project. But of late,I lack motivation. And I think today i realised why.
I was talking to Aram, and I just got incredibly annoyed at the fact that he is sounding like my parents.I wont deny that everyone is right in saying the stuff they have been saying to me of late, but it is really annoying. So here is me, lacking any kind of creative inspiration, any kind of life, and I have made plans for myself. Big Plans. But why do I still feel crippled?
The answer is simple: I have no friends. No physical contact with someone I can call my friend. I have a teacher, a very wise teacher as a matter of fact- and i mean literally my music teacher. She teaches me, when I leave my lesson I feel good, strong, healthy, like I have become more knowledgeable. But I really lack friendship here. And sadly I am not at a stage of my life where I can gladly step out and make new friends with people who might seem supportive, but really are annoying me just like others. The others, I shall label 'wise-cracks'. Friends-someone who knows me and will help me, be on my side, NOT tell me what to do and then walk off thinking their job is done.
I miss my friends. Which is why in my mind I wish I was in India with my two best friends. Yasha I know ur comin down there sooner or later and it would be so nice if all of us could be together. Because then I have guidance, support, love, contact, advice, criticism, joy, and sometimes even sadness all in one place-and it should make me happy, stable, and able to cope with life more easier.
Life truly is about friendship. Nothing else matters.
Monday 2 February 2009
i don't think I add value to the world
I don't think i add value to the world.probably why I doubt my abilities.abilities to be able to contribute significantly.but then my mind has this constant conflict:Why bother to contribute to anything, if it's just fleeting effort?
im watchin 'lois and clark: the new adventures of superman'.having another sleepless night, and not lookin forward to my day.simply because, i have only good intentions and no motivation.what I need is guidance,structure and discpline.I can hardly believe I am saying this, but i think I miss school for those very reasons. University ruined me. Things that happened before that were good for me.Yet I hated it, the idea of it, the execution of it.But it was good for me.I was active (though always sleepign in class..but hey with 3 hours sleep every night it wasn't easy stayin awake), thin, alert, not bothered about anything but what I achieved, i had friends and I was generally happy, I did my own thing and achieved much more in four years in boardin school than I have achieved in my entire life. Damn!I still hate school, but i was good for me.I think it would still be.
im watchin 'lois and clark: the new adventures of superman'.having another sleepless night, and not lookin forward to my day.simply because, i have only good intentions and no motivation.what I need is guidance,structure and discpline.I can hardly believe I am saying this, but i think I miss school for those very reasons. University ruined me. Things that happened before that were good for me.Yet I hated it, the idea of it, the execution of it.But it was good for me.I was active (though always sleepign in class..but hey with 3 hours sleep every night it wasn't easy stayin awake), thin, alert, not bothered about anything but what I achieved, i had friends and I was generally happy, I did my own thing and achieved much more in four years in boardin school than I have achieved in my entire life. Damn!I still hate school, but i was good for me.I think it would still be.
Thursday 29 January 2009
i now write about happiness
if you want to be happy you have to think as little as possible.
keep your hands busy-busy hands are happy hands.
if you work hard and play less, you will think less, hence be happy more
keep your hands busy-busy hands are happy hands.
if you work hard and play less, you will think less, hence be happy more
Wednesday 28 January 2009
i just want to write a post, doo dai dee doo
i wanted to write down a song about writing a post because I can but Ill just let it be.hope you enjoyed reading these two sentences (and the title)
le blog
So i thought that a blog is useful.i needed to know that someone somewhere MIGHT possibly stumble upon the writings of moi, and then miraculously i would be networking again and hence not lose my sanity. turns out there is so much that I can't write in a blog. Not just because it's incredibly personal, but also because i don't know how.
I don't know how to do a million things. i learnt that today. and if noone is ever going to show me then I guess I'll just keep on not knowing. it's not ignorance it's just nothing.not indifference, not ingnorance, not unmentioned, not...well anything. is there a term for something that's well nothings and yet something?
I don't know how to do a million things. i learnt that today. and if noone is ever going to show me then I guess I'll just keep on not knowing. it's not ignorance it's just nothing.not indifference, not ingnorance, not unmentioned, not...well anything. is there a term for something that's well nothings and yet something?
Tuesday 27 January 2009
should never think....
Should never think-lyrics by Robert Pattinson
Should never think
what's in your heart
what's in our home
So I won't.
You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh love
So call me by my name
And oh
Save your soul
Oh
save your soul
Before you're too far gone.
before nothing can be done
I'll try to decide when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It's the one thing that I've known
Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out in this all wrong
She's standing outside holding me
Saying, 'Oh, please
I'm in love
I'm in love'
Girl save your soul
Go on save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done
'Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
I thought that this post is significant to my blog.Mainly because that's how i came up with the name for my blog. Secondly it illustrates the fairy tale world I hope for. It's and oST to the movie Twilight.Robert pattinson is by far the most appealing man to me in the whole wide world and I have this huge teenage crush on him. :D
Sunday 25 January 2009
Yesterday
since 2005 there are four people who I have spoken to as much as I did yesterday.
'And why is that , Essie?'
I guess in a way the 'How I met your mother episode' (season 3 episode 15) paints a pretty good picture of what Im talking about. When we meet people from High school you revert back. Of course high school years are the years you only go to school to hang out with your friends and use bad-language unsupervised; have hormonal rages that give you the same adrenaline rush you get from lying to your parents about boys and how sex before marriage is taboo;and finally: coz u get to be 16 again...and reflect on how lame you were when u were in school. oh gosh that's so not what the FINALLY was meant to be..right when i think of what it WAS originally meant to be I'll write a NB to this post.
Right coming back to yesterday.School...i learnt a lot in school.For example that I AM REALLY bad at algebra, but really good at geometry.or I was pretty good at English language but when it came to writing lit answers without ruchi dictating them to me, well let's just say I wasn't as good as I had built up in my mind.
Amonst other things though I definitely learnt things about myself:If I wake up every morning staying out of people's lives and doing what I want to do,then I go ahead in life.But if i get stuck in the moment and caught up with emotions the mind and body are no longer in sync. I could give a few examples here, but if anyone is reading this then I'd like to hear your take on this (if you can understand what I am saying)
Coming back to the 'reverting bit': I met up with an old school friend. And it's funny how you think you've matured when you left school, when what's really happened is: You've become yourself.There's nomore pretending, nomore lying,nomore rages and in time you finally admit to yourself that you are who you are and that you don't have to be ashamed if you are NOT living your life upto other people's expectations.And most importantly when you meet people from your past you should be happy to do so, because though you might not see it imediately or ever, the puzzle would not be complete without them and that alone is a good feeling (:S I think it could be). And as my friend and i were discussing yesterday when you leave an institute as scarring as the boarding school i'd like to call 'fake-prison' and you meet others from the same place there's an immediate connection (unspoken but unnecessary to be mentioned connection) so you automatically greet with warmth AND THEN YOU REVERT.
I would never be able to explain how 'leso' my ex history teacher was to the new people in my life and make them laugh if I just immitated her in front of my classmates from school. Vandalising the peacock throne holds no meaning to my boyfriend, even if claims to be listening and understanding where I'm coming from. Trying to make people understand how important it was to me to be able to let go of myself when i was up on stage and was able to perform music i loved- and i got to feel important was something i was really good at, is so hard to bring across in words without sounding like I'm showing off.Worst of all there's so many pieces of the puzzle that I miss having around that I guess it's good when I get to relive them and find them because then I realise they are not lost forever. In fact they never were-i just have to be bale to admit to myself that things are not always as bad as they may seem and that finding the lost pieces is a good thing; piecing life together is a good thing, because the good and the bad go together and the picture is always a pretty one.
Maybe when I leave my bed I'll be able to really put my good intentions to use. I left my bed yesterday for the first time in over a week. and it felt surprisingly good...the person who made me do it gets a lot of credit for this.thanks...
'And why is that , Essie?'
I guess in a way the 'How I met your mother episode' (season 3 episode 15) paints a pretty good picture of what Im talking about. When we meet people from High school you revert back. Of course high school years are the years you only go to school to hang out with your friends and use bad-language unsupervised; have hormonal rages that give you the same adrenaline rush you get from lying to your parents about boys and how sex before marriage is taboo;and finally: coz u get to be 16 again...and reflect on how lame you were when u were in school. oh gosh that's so not what the FINALLY was meant to be..right when i think of what it WAS originally meant to be I'll write a NB to this post.
Right coming back to yesterday.School...i learnt a lot in school.For example that I AM REALLY bad at algebra, but really good at geometry.or I was pretty good at English language but when it came to writing lit answers without ruchi dictating them to me, well let's just say I wasn't as good as I had built up in my mind.
Amonst other things though I definitely learnt things about myself:If I wake up every morning staying out of people's lives and doing what I want to do,then I go ahead in life.But if i get stuck in the moment and caught up with emotions the mind and body are no longer in sync. I could give a few examples here, but if anyone is reading this then I'd like to hear your take on this (if you can understand what I am saying)
Coming back to the 'reverting bit': I met up with an old school friend. And it's funny how you think you've matured when you left school, when what's really happened is: You've become yourself.There's nomore pretending, nomore lying,nomore rages and in time you finally admit to yourself that you are who you are and that you don't have to be ashamed if you are NOT living your life upto other people's expectations.And most importantly when you meet people from your past you should be happy to do so, because though you might not see it imediately or ever, the puzzle would not be complete without them and that alone is a good feeling (:S I think it could be). And as my friend and i were discussing yesterday when you leave an institute as scarring as the boarding school i'd like to call 'fake-prison' and you meet others from the same place there's an immediate connection (unspoken but unnecessary to be mentioned connection) so you automatically greet with warmth AND THEN YOU REVERT.
I would never be able to explain how 'leso' my ex history teacher was to the new people in my life and make them laugh if I just immitated her in front of my classmates from school. Vandalising the peacock throne holds no meaning to my boyfriend, even if claims to be listening and understanding where I'm coming from. Trying to make people understand how important it was to me to be able to let go of myself when i was up on stage and was able to perform music i loved- and i got to feel important was something i was really good at, is so hard to bring across in words without sounding like I'm showing off.Worst of all there's so many pieces of the puzzle that I miss having around that I guess it's good when I get to relive them and find them because then I realise they are not lost forever. In fact they never were-i just have to be bale to admit to myself that things are not always as bad as they may seem and that finding the lost pieces is a good thing; piecing life together is a good thing, because the good and the bad go together and the picture is always a pretty one.
Maybe when I leave my bed I'll be able to really put my good intentions to use. I left my bed yesterday for the first time in over a week. and it felt surprisingly good...the person who made me do it gets a lot of credit for this.thanks...
Saturday 24 January 2009
the answer
I have observed the following (Please feel free to add on to my little observations):
1-Life is pretty pointless
2-It would be so pleasant if the following did NOT exist-money,snow and other cold weather things,evil people,war.....(i could go on for awhile)
3-Our planet should have been named Eutopia and not Earth-MAYBE then we would actually be living in a more peaceful world (People like to live upto expectations.earth is such a characterless name...oh oh-great name for an unfortunate rich kid soon to be living in Hollywood)
Nevertheless, if you want to survive and be satisfied with yourself doing so then you need two attributes that should most likely get you places.
1-Wit. This does not necessarily mean you need to be knowledgeable.Just the fact that you can sound like you know a lot is good enough. But wit is a good thing to be great at. AND
2-Quickness. And I don't mean you should be able to run like a Jaguar.Ok that would be incredibly useful too if you were being chased by let's say an pstrich or something (they are evil creatures!) But if you are fast-paced in your activities; good with your hands, fast thinker, physically adequate for the pace of mankind, etc (i hope you get my point) then you will definitely be ahead of many peers.
Sadly I can't seem to think of any concrete examples at this very moment but as soon as I do they will be up here.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe the cast of Whose line....? Though they don't quite define what I am talking about-oh Wayne does. He is VERY appropriately witty (wears a thong to work :P) AND he is fast-in speech,thought and physically...AND he is a known face.Therefore he has also had the chance to appear in other shows and I think he really enjoys what he does.Which hence leaves him satisfied and at peace with himself.Or is that not success?
Friday 23 January 2009
the world is a stage
I agree with Shakespeare.
I really do.
The world is a stage
We must play our part.
It goes for me as it does for you.
.................to be continued...................
yesterday I was learning,
today I am home,
tomorrow I'm earning;
but it's always the same goal.
we play our roles,
we play them well,
for we live
not in Heaven
but in Hell.
Hell I say
for I saw Satan come-
With anger, violence,
bombs and guns...
And what's the point?
I wake up and ask
What's the point
of this so 'meaningful' Life?
Is it to break my back through
labour, pain and strife?
I don't think so.
I don't think it's true.
It seems like the puzzle is pieceing itself together.
We play our parts,
but I don't think its worth it.
Not for me
and not for you.
-----------------TBC---------------------
I really do.
The world is a stage
We must play our part.
It goes for me as it does for you.
.................to be continued...................
yesterday I was learning,
today I am home,
tomorrow I'm earning;
but it's always the same goal.
we play our roles,
we play them well,
for we live
not in Heaven
but in Hell.
Hell I say
for I saw Satan come-
With anger, violence,
bombs and guns...
And what's the point?
I wake up and ask
What's the point
of this so 'meaningful' Life?
Is it to break my back through
labour, pain and strife?
I don't think so.
I don't think it's true.
It seems like the puzzle is pieceing itself together.
We play our parts,
but I don't think its worth it.
Not for me
and not for you.
-----------------TBC---------------------
Thursday 22 January 2009
i should get out of the house
I just googled: How to get out of the house.first result:Some site that basically has three lines saying that it's good to get out the house.and if you don't want to do it alone, you should do it with a friend. Dont be scared to face the outside world, etc...BUT: I am alone and scared AND don't have a friend to drag along...
BTW RUCHI: Thats supposed to answer your query: Why am i in a weird place in my life? I have noone to talk to...kind of puts you in a weird place. although its not the talking I miss as much as listening to others and trying to help them feel good.
BTW RUCHI: Thats supposed to answer your query: Why am i in a weird place in my life? I have noone to talk to...kind of puts you in a weird place. although its not the talking I miss as much as listening to others and trying to help them feel good.
Wednesday 21 January 2009
In my right mind I don't think I would have 'casually' blogged.But I am not in my right mind atm.
It's been just over FIVE months and I still have not:
1-found a job
2-made new friends in the place i live in
3-got a job
4-lost weight (ok i did, but that didn't last v. long.i heart food)
5-GOT A FREAKING LIFE!
It's been just over FIVE months and I still have not:
1-found a job
2-made new friends in the place i live in
3-got a job
4-lost weight (ok i did, but that didn't last v. long.i heart food)
5-GOT A FREAKING LIFE!
Tuesday 20 January 2009
Summer Loves Jose
NOTE: THIS IS NOT HOW I USUALLY SPEND MY TIME.
I have spent the last three hours watching youtube clips of..........MAURY! And i cannot tell you how disguisted I am. I am not quite sure at what-but I am sure it'll boil down to Maury finally.Or the producers.Whatever.
About the TITLE (S L J): The last episode I watched was about how people are attracted to their opposites.Summer in this case is an 'adult film actress'(I didn't realise you could call them 'actors')and Jose was this bus driver she met, well on a bus (she missed her flight to florida so he said: Come on I'll take you in my bus woman with big, fake,grossly round boobs). And apparently they got 'talking' and fell in love.BUT here's the crux of the situation: Whilst she look like a life-size Barbie, he on the other hand looks like a baby elephant.
Think about it...LOL...i mean disguisting.absolutley disguisting
I have spent the last three hours watching youtube clips of..........MAURY! And i cannot tell you how disguisted I am. I am not quite sure at what-but I am sure it'll boil down to Maury finally.Or the producers.Whatever.
About the TITLE (S L J): The last episode I watched was about how people are attracted to their opposites.Summer in this case is an 'adult film actress'(I didn't realise you could call them 'actors')and Jose was this bus driver she met, well on a bus (she missed her flight to florida so he said: Come on I'll take you in my bus woman with big, fake,grossly round boobs). And apparently they got 'talking' and fell in love.BUT here's the crux of the situation: Whilst she look like a life-size Barbie, he on the other hand looks like a baby elephant.
Think about it...LOL...i mean disguisting.absolutley disguisting
Monday 19 January 2009
Me,myself and I
I have a music lesson tomorrow. its been a month and all the studying i did was done tonight.I think its about time i accepted the fact that I am a last minute person.
I have good intentions-but they are in my mind.They always are.Like i said in my last post-the dreams stay in your head whilst you're asleep, only when you wake up do they become reality (or not)-Maybe It's time I woke up.
Last year I thought I had woken up; but somehow it ended up being a new years resolution all over again-and just yesterday I was thinking of how I need to get back in shape, sharpen my mind, my Self....But i put off things till the last minute.I always do.
I have good intentions-but they are in my mind.They always are.Like i said in my last post-the dreams stay in your head whilst you're asleep, only when you wake up do they become reality (or not)-Maybe It's time I woke up.
Last year I thought I had woken up; but somehow it ended up being a new years resolution all over again-and just yesterday I was thinking of how I need to get back in shape, sharpen my mind, my Self....But i put off things till the last minute.I always do.
Sunday 18 January 2009
this is a first...
so the average person (sorry but our world is built up on stereotypes) might think: 2.08 a.m.-maybe i should get some sleep; what a wonderful feeling it is, eyelids closed, lights off, shutters down,closed [and perhaps even locked] doors.......sounds like a prison to me.
but its said sleep can do wonderful things-you wake up rested, to a new day; sleep takes the toxins out of your body; sleep makes you forgot all the bad things in the world; but most importantly sleep takes you off to 'dreamland'-a real place for fictitious happenings.
This Dreamland is a 'great' place; great NOT being synonymous with aweinspiring greatness. I guess it's got more to do with the expanse and probabilities of the mind.
I know that in a few years if I have kids, I will entice them into sleep (for reasons I cannot yet fully understand;if your mind and body accept this sense of being then you are ready,or?), for "nothing happens unless first a dream" (Carl Sandburg). But I am a cynic.I think dreams are a luxury for those who can afford to make them reality. Dreams are meant to give you hope; a hope that someday you can accomplish the great things you do in your sleep-and whilst it makes us smile for the moment I find the subconscious a dream-shattering institute. Take for instance the dream I had two nights ago: My latest heart-throb appeared to me and it was a fairly romantic scene. (said he was madly in love with me etc....)But when I awoke I knew that there was no reality in that dream. And it shattered my heart to have to awaken to such reality. And therein lies the conflict in my mind: Should I never wake, or should I never sleep?
but its said sleep can do wonderful things-you wake up rested, to a new day; sleep takes the toxins out of your body; sleep makes you forgot all the bad things in the world; but most importantly sleep takes you off to 'dreamland'-a real place for fictitious happenings.
This Dreamland is a 'great' place; great NOT being synonymous with aweinspiring greatness. I guess it's got more to do with the expanse and probabilities of the mind.
I know that in a few years if I have kids, I will entice them into sleep (for reasons I cannot yet fully understand;if your mind and body accept this sense of being then you are ready,or?), for "nothing happens unless first a dream" (Carl Sandburg). But I am a cynic.I think dreams are a luxury for those who can afford to make them reality. Dreams are meant to give you hope; a hope that someday you can accomplish the great things you do in your sleep-and whilst it makes us smile for the moment I find the subconscious a dream-shattering institute. Take for instance the dream I had two nights ago: My latest heart-throb appeared to me and it was a fairly romantic scene. (said he was madly in love with me etc....)But when I awoke I knew that there was no reality in that dream. And it shattered my heart to have to awaken to such reality. And therein lies the conflict in my mind: Should I never wake, or should I never sleep?
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