To think I might not see those eyes

"To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry."
Snow Patrol ('Run')
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Qen3Xovtfc

Refering to a post by my friend Yasha, I would like to comment on how blogging is the 'interim'-the in between (that was not a conscious dictionary move) of a big step; the breath you take when you start a new sentene; the pause before the accentuated, long, sequence of notes on your staff; the bending of knees before the big jump, etc.
Right now I have been contemplating for about two days straight. And that is a fair amount of contemplation. I am no philosopher, but I like to toy with the fact that I could be, if I could be bothered enough to write about my philosophies (and do some research..but then in my opinion philosophy has a face, that does not require such characteristics; i am a philosopher in my own mind; or something to that extent) Moving on...
As you know (if you read my previous stuff you would know) that my conflicts are merely those of the heart and mind. A still pending and unresolved conflict. A conversation I had a few weeks ago with a friend of mine, made me realise that I am actually more or less convinced that my mind is thinking the 'right' thing. my heart on the other is being irrational and stupid and taking a risk. Sadly i can't follow through on both.
So over the past few days, I have been merely contemplating- no longer is it a conflict; there is a stalemate. No, not a stalemate. There is no war though. I have come to accept that the coalition government is here to stay. Acceptance brings peace. The next step though is working on the solutions.
So I term this the contemplation phase. A sort of Video-conference, or round table conference or to be more original 'the thinking clear' conference.
Sadly, events have taken a turn. Probably the reason why I am a bit more clear in my mind. It has turned out that the cause of my suffering, might not be a cause of happy suffering any longer.It was along period of hoping and believeing that if everything else fails, this particular thing won't. But it turns out that relationships, no matter how well cemented, can be shaken up and crumbled like, uhm, crumble, by a strong enough force; an earth quake in terms of relationships i suppose. So if the matters of the heart are settled by controllable, yet unforeseen forces, then the circumstances have been tweeked in favour of the mind.
But when I think about it, the suffering at least made me happy. I have not been as frustrated, unhappy, rough, sad, low, on the verge of tears, helpless, rude, brash, annoyed, confused, alone, suicidal, and other negative things, as I have been today. And it makes no sense.
When I think about how a few simple words that were sent to me in a freaking 'text' message,make me feel, I think of how "I might not see those eyes. Makes it so hard not to cry. And as we say our long good byes, I nearly do"
I hope that I can, as in the past turn my back and walk away. But I'd rather work things out. My heart might not mend easily this time.
If you cared enough, *A*, you would be reading this. But I know you don't read my blog. I have sprawled out my thoughts to you i writing, and you still don't get it.

should never think...when you do, this is what happens

so as i said i think a post ago,i need to write some lyrics and compose a tune for my music lesson.now don't get me wrong, I love my music lessons, but this whole compose a simple yet effective song for me thing just doesnt seem to work for me.
but anyway i gave it a shot-wnated to write something light and easy...how does it sound???

V1
You hear it on the Radio
You've seen it on TV
obama is the president
the Chosen One is he

V2
Revolution in the air
A fresh breath we take
and see a change
yes! we can make

Ch
THe world even smaller
The flies even bigger
the stars seem closer
the tides even higher

V3
WHen you read your paper
on your PC
what is it that you see?
is this real, or is it just
a conspiracy?

V4
He put a smile on your face
a warm embrace
or this just a phase
to make

repeat chorus..... and then improvise

another tragedy

so i have to write and compose a song for my lesson on friday.it's not hard, but it is hard when you are embaressed of your work. do you know it's taken me over 20 years to actually allow anyone to hear a full sample of my work?
So i am stuck-not onl do i have seere writers bloc, but my teacher has requested me to not write about myself and change the tune of the song that i had previously written. this is not a challenge for me-it is torture. i cant write and i cant sing the same tune second time around, without changing it completely.Sombody help me please...maybe u can contribute like 1 line at a time.perhaps i could come up with something inbetween.fill in the gaps kind of thing!

Now that I am married

Everything seems much clearer, now that I am married. No longer do I have to remind my mother of the flamboyant promises she made to 13 year old me. I am married now and may do as I please.
Last week I went to a fair, and had fake hair braided into my scalp. It hurt.
Yesterday, after work, I was bored, so I went window-shopping. I have very little money, but when I saw the tattoo and piercing parlour I could not resist. Now my ankle is scarred for life.
This morning I woke up, thinking. Thinking of all the things I could do, now that I am married. But it wasn't all the glamour I had expected. Now everybody knows that I am having sex (or not...either way I am no longer 'pure'). And when a sexual joke is made, I can no longer pretend I don't understand.
Now that I am married, if I have an affair, I can be left stranded with nothing. A fight through the night just won't 'justify' my actions.
NOW that I am married to one man, if I do anything foolish, everybody looks down at me, and tell me to grow up.
If being married means happiness with one person, in the same home, building a family, and just being happy-signing to a lifetime of happiness, then why am I still living up to other's expectations? When I wake up in the morning, why can't i walk out in my tracks anymore, without people telling me that I need to look respectable, now that I am married.
My lip is pierced and everybody looks at me weirdly. I have a tattoo and someone said that I am having an early mid-life crisis.
I do not wash my hair all the time, nor shave my legs, and my husband does not call me beautiful. In fact, he keeps reminding me of how I used to be, how I lost my innocence and what a waste of time it was. He has no reply to my rhetort...
Nobody questions him if he goes out alone-except me. Why can't i go too? I know you buddies bring their girlfriends of the day.
Quizás I made a bad choice. Quizás I was too young. Quizás I no longer want to be married. Quizás this is my destiny...

things are not all ha ha hee hee

no, things are not always ha ha hee. But everyone already knows that right?
Today had it's ups and downs. And like any other person I have realised that the decision I have to make is definetely life-changing. I have always heard people say that the decisions they made at some point of time in life changed everything that ever happened to them. but i never believed them. i guess there is more truth than I thought in the phrase ' you gotta experience it to believe it', or whatever.
SO as in my previous post, you know that my weekend has not been all that exciting. BUT I am doing more this weekend than i have done on any other. It makes me happy, AND I can already feel the misery kicking in. you know the low you have when things have been going so great, that when they are over you feel horribly weighed down but the emptiness that follows.
Today reality finally caught up with me. In the sense that, I have always been realistic, I am the person who sees things for what they are, not what they could be. That may seem naive in some people's minds, but it has worked for me.
I was in the car, with Aram, we had a bit of aloud discussion and I suddenly realised that I have to make a life-changing decision. One one hand I have been presented with a golden chance to follow my dreams, and on the other I have a shot at love. The romantic in me says "follow your heart". The cynic in me says "money is everything. Do some good for yourself". For about a year, I have been trying to find a way to get both. I have been to scared to face the consequences of making this decision and I strongly believe that it is the roote cause of all my misery.
I have had and am still haveing the best weekend in a VERY long time, but I can feel the low kicking in. And if my heart and mind can't unite, then I am sure that I will be stranded forever.

THE Weekend

yup it's weekend time-which basically means that i have to get my act together under the supervisiton my family; my mother who is usually at work till the afternoon and decides that Sunday is a nice day of the week to watch Hindi Phillems (an indianised version of 'films' for those who just don't get it), and i have a father-who in small doses is incredible, but when he scowls in his lungi and unshavenness...well let's just say, not that incredible anymore.but of course both parents are LUVABLE...(you have to be their child to understand what Iam getting at.since you are not and I am and this blog is not meant for you, it's for me, i really don't give a rat's dropping)
Right soooooo me weekend so far goes as:

FRIDAY-talk to mom, get money from her to go to Mannheim to visit Namrata and party wild.
Go to Mannheim-Get lost on the way to Namo's house; find way to Namo's house, irritate Dosco friend.
Get ready, and leave for 'Studentenwohnheim' (cant remember the name of the street)
Drink fizzy stuff, watch Namo cut finger, watch Alex cook Sauerkraut, Bratkartoffeln and Gebackenes Schwein
Chit chat, meet new people, wine and dine

SATURDAY:Leave for club after wine and dine
Party at club, handle tipsy friends, apologies to pushed man on behalf of tipsy friend
Break bag, break glasses, breakfast-city döner
Go back to Namo's-chit chat, pack, supervise, sleep, feel sick, complain of feeling sick but not actually getting sick.
Brush teeth, drag HEAVY suitcase to station, buy tickets, go to platform
SOMEHOW manage to put HEAVY suitcase on train (NO NAMO you were NOOOOO help this time!!!)
Train packed, no place to breath, feel more sick
Arrival: Frankfurt Main Flughafen, Terminal 1.
Make way to SkyLine. Pick up phone: It's ARAM. My heart smiles
Wait for ARAM at SkyLine.
Meet and Greet Aram, take SkyLine and que up at Emirates Counter! (WHAT A LONG Q IT WAS)
Meet and Greet Piyush-Namo's pal; Meet and Greet me mum. Mum takes Namo ahead of the Que; connections, connections, connections. Namo is 10 KG overweight (her LUGGAGE)
Check-in, more chit chat, chit chat, bla bla, making fun of, abusing, being weird.say good bye. ARAM, me mum, And I go home

SATURDAY HOME: Meet and Greet Dad.
Sleep's kicking in. Need to stay awake for formal dinner.
Leave ARAM (my poor baby-im sorry)at home, go to dinner. Me mum and dad in car, I fall down six stairs, swollen knee-bruised knee-annoying knee.
Dinner
Back home
Missed ARAM
ARAM at home doing what he should be doing-i.e. fixing my laptop (A)
SUNDAY (midnight of Satuday)
I, ARAM play Wii, watch 'Lost', fool around.
I, in bed-thinking: I'm naughty, haughty and tight (and is in 'Swell'!)
I, in bed-thinkng: ARAM.....I love you.