the reason i wake up....and what I think

there is no real reason why i wake up, get out of bed, eat, talk (i dont really do much of that...), walk, bath, or do the things i do.
But the answer is quite simple-i do things out of habit.
And now I am in the run to get a job. I don't job out of habit, at least not physically, but mentally it is a norm, a must, in order to survive. Once again I contemplate-survive for what?
I mean i don't have to work, but even free food has a price.
So whilst I am sitting at my Dad's office, taking help from a certain kind gentlemen here, all the help I can, i do feel totally helpless. I feel like my hands have been tied all my life, and now they are untied, but I can't shake the feeling of them being tied together, and I feel insecure-not to be mistaken with a sensation of being 'lost'.I am not lost, I am merely confused. But confusion can be set right with discipline, right?
So coming back to what I wanted to actually write about-I was thinking that the next interview I walk into (if such an interview should come about) I would be honest.Just tell things as they are. The last place I was invited to an interview for, well they asked me why i wanted to work in a bank after I had been through intensive training as a journalist (Damn im a qualified journalist!)and i bullshitted my way through-because I am good at that!that's what makes me a good journalist.I can bullshit my way through anything.Im a fantastic liar, though a little confused sometimes, but I know that there's nothing I cant do if I set my mind to it (my wii records are living proof). So when I walk into this hopefuly-going-to-happen-soon interview here's how it's going to go:

"So, Esra, why are you here?"
"(I shall give a cheeky, sarcastic smile-Im good at sarcasm, and I have this amazing eye brow gesture that goes so well with it)- Well, there's an either or involved here; you can either give you waht you would usually like to hear, or I can be abstract and be totally honest...."
"Be honest"
"Yes, honestly is the best policy..or so the saying goes....Right so honesty you choose, honesty it shall be. I would say that I have had a very decent life. Yes, things have actually been very comfortable for me. I have two sane parents, insane families, an erratic sibling, and well as the oldest cousin, I have a handful of youngsters who look up to me (I am still trying to figure out why). I have great friends all over the world, a good solid education, and as for myself I would judge myself to be an incredibly normal person with normal issues.I have a lot of issues. But that's because I am so intoxicated with overthiknig a matter, that even though I can detach myself from something I won't ever forget about it. And in all honesty, I want to write songs, stand on the red carpet and ask Demi Moore what on earth she sees in the otherwise incredibly immature and childish Ashton Kutcher, and I want to do good in the world. But today I am here, at this interview, because I realise that all those things are aspirations, and dreams, and hopes, and I will continue to have them, but in the meantime I have to get on with life. I have dwelled for a long time on what I truly wanted, and it did me no good. Well except that I realised that i had to get my act together. So today I am here, not because this is the first thing that came about, please don't get me wrong, I am here because I realise I have potential as a human being to go beyond my dreams; I have realised that I simply cannot limit myself to do certain things because I might not get lucky in this lifetime. And I am confident enough to step out of my bubble and stand up to my ego, stand up to myself, put my foot down and honestly pucker up, put on a bra and use whatever sense I have to this job. Because I feel that I am in the right place at the right time. (and then of course Ill ad on a few qualities I have to do this task).

Maybe I'll come off flakey. But i have never been flakey.I have done everything I was meant to do. And when it didn't feel right I still did it, when it felt right I did it with the same gusto.And the things I didn't do-i don't regret not having done them.Opportunities come and go, and you can either grasp them, or let them go by; but the most important thing is that you shoudl never rgeret anything, because then you don't forget yourself. It's like a cancer then.the guilt will continue to grow.

I have a funny feeling inside of me though. I feel ocnfident in my mind when I say all this, and I want to do it, my intentions my thoughts are all so clear so good...but I realise that I am weak-because I have never used my words to get my way.I just did something when I wanted to. Now when I think about it, I just feel stupid-i feel downright silly, and all I want to do is lie in comforting arms and cry.